Saturday, 26 September 2020

Catergory is...Bobo The Clown!

 

I meeean, I wasn't going to give this 'thing' any energy but there's so much power in releasing things out in the open, so here we are.

My 2nd to last post (go check it out) is on God's love and how important it is to FIRST know and understand God's love because it WILL aid you in loving yourself and loving others. I'm enjoying this part of the journey whilst having the desire for love to find me. I want to be in looove chile...so lets get into it! The backstory to this on going journey is why I'm typing away. Grab you a cuppa tea girl, it's gonna be a lengthy read!

For the past couple of years I've kinda dated on and off but found myself mainly drawn to one particular guy. This guy has no intentions for me. I can (now) say that with my chest because, any guy that does have plans for you or wants to make plans with you, will undoubtedly do that or at least let it be known. At the time this wasn't my concern, dating was not a priority, so again here we are (lol I feel like for ages dating has not been a priority!).

Now I (like Bobo the clown) chose to continue to engage with him based on our very brief and sporadic interactions. Why? Was I desperate? Lonely? Bored? I tried to dissect everything he said to me, I analysed our time together, I reasoned or made excuses for his behaviour, when really all I needed to know was right in-front of me...in every action or lack there of.  But I still found myself wanting to grab his attention. I was almost on a mission to get a series of answers to questions I already had the answer to. Why? *inserts Bobo the clown emoji* Don't get me wrong, he was beautiful, attentive, intelligent, very charming, a true gentleman... yardy yah! These are the things that reel us in *inserts crying emoji* This guy was what I was looking for, if I were looking at the time, but little did I know he wasn't.

He was open with me and I felt I could ask him anything, but I didn't. I didn't want to come off as if I was pushing to be in his world. I wasn't sure of his intentions for me and never gained the confidence to tell him that courtship was what I wanted from him. I felt it was too soon or I was expecting too much. He didn't 'traditionally' court me, so it meant that I was trying to figure things out as we went along. Red Flag! 

For the record those feelings I had were totally INVALID. You are never asking for 'too much'. What you want exists, never settle

I could see (over time) he lacked emotional maturity  and it was very evident in the way he spoke of intimacy. Red Flag! Again I made an excuse for it. I thought 'wellllllllllll, his past relationships were emotionally taxing and claustrophobic, he's yet to know what it feels like to be in a loving, freeing space with someone'. YAAAAWWN, why do we (as women) feel we could be the saving grace to peoples problems?! It ain't for us to fix! Just sayin!

A little off subject but still in context:

A friend of mine recently got married to the love of his life. Yaay wooptity doo!! But both of them failed to do the ground work whilst single and during their courtship. First off, they never spent time dating themselves, which meant they never spoke to each other about what marriage looked like to them individually. They never spoke about how they'd like to raise their kids based on what they had/hadn't experienced as children, they never communicated the importance of their personal goals. They never paid enough attention to each others needs/love languages and now they're struggling with understanding each others communication style, never mind all the personal issues they have, due to lack of personal development. 

My friend is now having to carry most of the burden in their marriage, because he's further along in his personal development than his wife. Not to say this is even a bad thing. I believe this is one of the many beautiful things about marriage...you grow together, even if at different speeds, however I find that he's coming up for air, a lot more often than not.

Personal development is a thing, get into it! If we fail to do the work in our singleness, it sneaks in and rears its head in our relationships. I mean all the childhood traumas, triggers and behavioral patterns etc rear their ugly heads anyway, but in relationship is where you're confronted the most.

Anyway back to me lol


Top-Zara

Trousers-Primark

Boots- Asos/Bershka


I knew he was interested in me and I felt that our connection was genuine, but I could also see that he was so disconnected. Either disconnected to me or disconnected to his vulnerabilities. It's almost like he was fearful of stepping in with both feet. It became frustrating for me to tip toe around what he 'could've' been feeling. I mean there was no reason for me at all to be shy about my thoughts and feelings or to ask about his, but I've always been the type of person to give someone the space to feel how they feel and move when they're ready to move. 

But like my mama always says 'cyat don't chase nuh dawg'. (Cats don't chase dogs). So just like that, I decided to wait for him to court me. I waited. And waited. And waited. Like Bobo the clown I waited... until I was over it. I told myself, 'state your case and move on'.

Given I had spent time with him, feelings had developed on my part. Telling him how I felt was more for me, even though I wanted it to be an opportunity for him to be just as transparent about how he felt. I needed to let him know regardless of whether or not he felt the same. 

Turns out the feelings/intentions were mutual (I mean duhh, I'm pretty amazing) but again he was dipping his toe in and not jumping all the way in even after the fact...

We made efforts to spend a little more time with each other, however I felt like I wasn't being pursued. I kept asking myself 'why is it that we're so disconnected when we're not together'. Either you turn the page or close the book. I chose to close the book.

It's been a long road of pulling myself away from this situation, due to the fact that I chose him. My heart chose to love him. I chose to want to love him. BUT honey, just because I knew I could take care of his heart, didn't mean he would take care of mine. Love is a choice and he wasn't choosing me. Now I'm not saying I was IN love with this man cause I was not, but I was willing to make the choice... God said no! lol

There were quite a few straws that broke the camels back for me. 

1. He only reciprocated my behaviour, never fully initiated.

2. He wasn't in tune with his emotions enough to express himself freely

3. He didn't believe in full commitment

The main deal-breaker for me, was the thought of being in the same category of other women. I didn't like the idea that he wasn't intentionally, purposefully choosing ME. I couldn't get to grips with the fact he didn't honor the love and intimacy that should be shared between two people in a committed relationship. It put me off, that at some point in growing with him, he'd choose himself instead of us. 

Side note: I had a brief conversation with a friend questioning what intimacy looks like. This is my definition:

''Intimacy should be a space between two people where you're both creating a foundation of trust to share your vulnerabilities. A place where you can feel like you're being received and acknowledged and seen; where the conditions are to always love and be loved. Intimacy should be sacred''.

I say all of this to say, know yourself! I entered this situation-ship with no direction, no end goal and no intentions for myself. This type of foolery meant I was chasing the wind. I was gone with the wind girl lol. Getting caught up with the idea of what could potentially be, when in actuality nothing was forming from all this time and energy invested. 

Wanting love and enjoying companionship is dangerous when you don't set boundaries for yourself. You must know yourself and maintain the standards you have set in stone no matter how these men come packaged. Temporary satisfaction chips away at you and becomes addictive because you're never fully satisfied. You find that you keep going back for more moments, but every time you hold onto that moment, you lose a piece of yourself. 

It's tough to keep your head in the game when you wear your heart on your sleeve but by NOT giving into your emotions, you're able to delay your reactions and think.

If you're anything like me and tend to get caught up with all the feels, SNAP OUT OF IT. EXIT THE CHAT. DELETE AND BLOCK. The last thing you want is your boyfriend getting in the way of your husband. If God hasn't given you his stamp of approval, it's not worth your time or energy.


Ok Byee!!! See ya in my next post!


STYLE TIP- Bobo the clown has no fashion sense! 


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The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Hi my loves, I hope you're all well? How are we feeling, how are we coping?  


Glasses- H&M
Top- H&M
Trousers- H&M


I look back ahow 2019 ended with so much hope, determination, readiness for 2020, KNOWING this would be a year of adventure, change and welcomed challenges... yea *side eye*



Chile, I've really been hanging in there. This is definitely NOT how I envisioned 2020 to be!
We're past the half way point nearing the end of this year and I really don't know if I'm coming or going lol. I've felt incredibly heavy by what has overwhelmed us globally and it has taken me a while to process figuring out how it's all affected me. I've tried to break coping mechanisms that shut me down by replacing them with methods that build me up mentally and emotionally and then just when I feel recharged enough to face the severity of one matter, we're hit with even more global trauma. 
Black people have endured way too much cultural devastation over such a short amount of time,  having to revisit oppression.
Covid-19 is the plague we didn't see coming. The amount of lives lost is WILD, truly heartbreaking. We've been banished to our rooms and told social distancing is our new normal. I don't ever want socialising to be distant, I don't think that is normal. With the economy opening up to the public, those safety measures are still very much in place, but it seems as though we might be back in detention. I'm awaiting the day things do feel normal (as if they ever will) but hey...


  'When life gives ya lemons, ya make lemonade' 

Glasses- H&M
Tracksuit- Fiorucci
Trainers- Vans

Without having a delusional outlook by over doing the optimism, I wanted to ensure there was going to be a great deal of good still to come from this year. I had things on my personal development list, to be ticked off and I'm pleased to say I've gained growth spiritually, physically, emotionally and financially.

Spiritually

Part of my peace has been cradled in my moms scriptural quotes and prayers, but I quickly learnt that I shouldn't be dependent on her to centre myself. It's important to have community and accountability, but it's just as important to be your own life coach.  I had to actively begin to do the work within myself. 

I've always maintained a relationship with God, but when tested I tend to reach out to the nearest form of comfort and stillness, which is my mom. Instead I made a conscious effort to go to God first and not last. I decided to instantly pray and talk to God whenever I was feeling anxious, frustrated, worried. I needed something more powerful than I could fathom, to put my constant trust in, especially knowing that people will unfortunately always fail me. Not because they want to, but because they are incapable of being what you need when you need it EVERY time. However, God is perfect! Going to Him has most definitely strengthened my inner man. 

Jeremiah 17: 5-8

5 This is what the Lord says: ''Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. 6 They are like shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future... 7 Blessed are those that trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.''

Making it a consistent habit to thank God the moment my eyes awake, handing over my day into His care so that I can be used to love whoever I come into contact with and not give into my petty ways. I also developed the habit to sit with myself and take care of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Physically

Taking care of my body has always been a no-brainer due to the fact that I love being active and feeling strong. I made a very dominant choice in ensuring that I would not gain weight over the last 6 months unhealthily, by divulging in comfort foods. I signed up and subscribed to an incredible online trainer who has whipped me into shape 6 days a week for 6 months. And I can proudly say I've been 100% consistent. It has released so many endorphins within each hourly session per day, and completely affects my head-space positively on the days I felt mentally clogged up. Any form of exercise or physical activity can have a profound positive impact on ones mental health. It is quite the stress reliever.

Emotionally I've given into all of my feels. I've allowed myself to connect with whatever feeling I'm connected to at whatever time, to ensure I've released it. Holding it all in does nothing positive, in fact it does more damage than good. I never knew until given this down time, how much I talk myself into 'keeping it together'. It's been such a beautiful thing to completely let go. 


Proactively making time to still enjoy myself has also been more a priority, especially given the current circumstance. I celebrated my best friends birthday in Kent. It was a surprise getaway to the sunny seaside of Margate lol. We had THE best time. I guess because we're such simple beings and love an adventure, it wouldn't have mattered where we were, we were going to have a blast. Amidst the trauma of 2020 the little things make all the difference in continuing to push through in feeling on top.




Headscarf- Zara
Brown Bodysuit- Zara
Trousers- Zara
Swimsuit- Zara
Glasses- Loewe


Sometimes it takes for things to be shaken up in our bubble, in order for us to be still. Having this time to deliberately work on myself has been very challenging but so satisfying. It still is a challenge and I'm fighting to be become the best version of myself. I'd hate to miss out on purposeful events that are ordained specifically for me, just because I failed to do the ground work, so I'm taking this all on the chin! The good, the bad and the ugly!


STYLE TIP- Embrace each season with a timeless piece (faith). 






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Saturday, 11 April 2020

The Ultimate Love Story


I'm Such A Romantic, I Love LOVE!!


I really wanted to write up something on this subject over Easter weekend, because whether you want to believe or not, Jesus dying on the cross for YOU, for ME, for HIM (that dusty ex) and HER, IS the ultimate love story!
I'm not sure I've ever been in-love, but I know what love looks and feels like. The love I have for my mom, niece and nephew (in particular) is beyond me! It's selfless, it's consistent, it's caring, it's unconditional... it's that willingness to do whatever it takes to ensure the purest of heart is truly felt and received always in all ways.  It's honest, raw, sincere...

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine, and he said (in these exact words)
  ''people will never love you, as much as they love themselves'' 
I sat with his statement and then argued my disagreement because I don't believe that's true love, I think that's selfish. I believe to TRULY love, a major element of self-sacrificing is heavily involved...your pride, ego has to go out the window! You should compromise and these things can't be done selfishly! 

I watched a series on YouTube  called - Relationship Goals  and part 2 of the series explained that you must 
  1. Love God
  2. Love yourself 
  3. Love Others equally (to self)
GOD
Okay, so... To love God, is to know God.
In the same way we are attracted to things and become attached to how these 'things' makes us feel, enough to want to spend time with these things, is the same way you should connect and develop a relationship with God.
I've spent time getting to know God throughout the course of my life and it's the most inexplicable experience. I've never felt so at peace, so unusually happy (even when nothing in my life is going right), humbled, secure, hopeful...I could go on. But most importantly, LOVED! And in all honesty I'm still yet to grasp the magnitude of his love due to lack of time I've spent speaking to God. 
God's love factors in how selfish, irresponsible, hurtful, ugly, spiteful, inconsiderate, greedy we are and loves us anyway. Isn't that INSANE?! I'm sorry but I'm so quick to cut someone off when they don't save me any food, that kind of behaviour I find unacceptable, but God makes allowances for the murderers, the thieves... like he really has an overflowing amount of love. It's INCREDIBLE!
His love is 

  ''...patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.''
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

SELF

Surely you've seen the movie The Bodyguard
If you haven't, you must live under a rock. It's such a iconic film. 
As most of you know, in the film,  Frank (Kevin Costner) has this undying love for Rachel
(Whitney Houston), to the point his job to protect her becomes his life! How beautiful!! I mean it's nothing in comparison to someone actually choosing to die for you. 
Wow, how embarrassing, I actually tried to reference Gods love to The Bodyguard lol.  
The point I'm trying to make is, God is our bodyguard (smooth transition right). He wants to protect us, provide for us, give us a whole life, a fulfilling, fearless, abundant life. Do you even know what that looks like?! Neither me! But that's what he wants. For us to be in a place where we lack nothing!!! A love that wants you to be whole, not needing someone to complete you.

Can you imagine someone offering themselves as a sacrifice to show HOW much they love you?! Being spat on several times by masses of people, punched, kicked, beaten, whipped and then nails hammered into your hands and feet, so that your body could be HUNG up on a cross?! That amount of pain is unfathomable. To think a love beyond our knowledge, endured such hell for us?!
So yeah, once you know THAT kind of love in it's entirety, you are able to see yourself from Gods perspective and act accordingly. 
Knowing you are made perfectly, you are deserving, you are valuable, precious in his sight. No matter how unseen you feel by people, the one who CREATED YOU... knows exactly how many follicles of hair are on YOUR head, sees you and thinks you're awesome. That is a beautiful assurance. It's a confidence that is next level and truly embeds real self love. You are only then capable of loving others the way you love yourself.

OTHERS 
The importance of loving others should be equal to the love you give yourself. 
I've experienced first hand, that if you do not work on your deficiencies, you subconsciously project them onto other people, which is why it is so important to know WHO you are. The last thing you want, is to burden people with your voids and jeopardize loving relationships out of lack of self-love.

If you know your value and understand what loving yourself should look like, for example:
-taking the time to reflect each day on what you've experienced,
-unpacking your thoughts/feelings, 
-ensuring you've freed yourself of any negativity
-releasing all tension from your mind/body and then recharging with positive affirmations,
you'll then have the same kind of time and patience towards others. If you can give yourself this time, you can be in a better position to give this time to others.
In order to give others the best of us, in a way that doesn't require us to be dependent on what they have to offer, we must do the self-love work. I think the strength in loving others is when you can freely do so, without needing a return.


On this Easter Sunday, I want to acknowledge the selfless love Jesus gave. It is a love I believe is worth seeking after. It may not make sense to many, it may not be of interest to your lifestyle, it may not be part of your brand lol however IT IS the GREATEST LOVE OF ALL.
God loves all of us, but it's important for you to know that he loves YOU, personally. He cares about YOU and took one hell of a beating specifically for YOU! God thinks you are worth every bit of pain he endured. I pray you never forget the true meaning of Easter!


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Saturday, 4 April 2020

That Fine Line

Hey y'all! How's (quaran) things?! I hope y'all are keeping sane!

I've been using part of my time to continuously better who I am and also who I can become to others. Looking at why and how I react to certain things and what is at the core of my behaviour patterns. A self-love discovery I guess you can call it!

I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

The other night my homegirl and I were chatting away about how we've both recognised that it's within both of our natures to 'do good'. We constantly extend ourselves to people who have proven nonchalant of our time and energy. 

The chunk of the convo was us going back and forth about whether or not it is redundant to show kindness, thoughtfulness and politeness, when it can sometimes appear the recipient is unbothered.

I then received a text from someone I've not gotten along with for some time, and the 'do good' in me was going to respond to the text out of politeness (you know, as acknowledgement) EVEN THOUGH, every fiber in my body did not want to respond. 
I decided not to. I thought, nope! Why should I?! I don't want to. But then I was struggling with why it felt like SUCH a big (minor) decision.
It begs the question, are you a fool to continuously show love to those who aren't the easiest to love?!  I mean the good book does say 

''Don't throw your pearls before swines...'' -Matthew 7:6
I've always been torn between cutting people off and being patient with them. It's that fine line between protecting yourself and doing what you believe is right regardless. But I had to sit with God and ask whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy? Why do I have to be nice lol why can't I be like those 'chest-high' people that rdgaf?!
The answer is, because God is love and I know his love, I'm convicted to do what I believe is right! And if I want to be a reflection of his love, I have to constantly give! Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.
''If at the end of the love you give, is to get it back in return, you ain't loving, you're looking out for yourself.' - Miss Viv King
Sylvia and I also briefly spoke on forgiveness. We as humans sometimes harbor things in our hearts thinking we've forgiven and moved on, but the true test is your attitude to towards the person later on down the line. Are you cutting your eyes at them in your heart? lol
It's easy (for some) to be fake enough to say 'Hi' but that rooted wound of hurt will always show face in tension. You can't disguise tension, it's the most bold faced energy of them all. Forgiveness sets you free and eventually the other person, that's if they've internally done the work too.

Last night I was scrolling through instagram and my insta bud Vivian coincidentally explained my findings so perfectly! If you're on insta her name is @missvivkingx.

This is some of what she shared:

A real self-love journey teaches you to love others as yourself. It teaches you to see yourself in other peoples weakness, to identify in what makes us all human! You learn not to put yourself above anything because you too are capable of the absolute worse.
A true self-love journey teaches empathy, understanding, grace, how to make room for the human dysfunction and errors.

Outside of the love of God, you find a type of love that keeps records of how much they've done for you, how you didn't show up for their sake, it's transactional, if you aren't loving... that's not love. It's a transactional activity in disguise.
Christ teaches the sort of love that fills your heart with godliness, goodness, patience, kindness, not-self seeking, not prideful...truly living LOVE, it pushes you beyond yourself & it puts your pride on the line every time!!



It feels uncomfortable to you, its self-sacrificing, but it reaches out for others & build bridges!!
It makes things right, where there are wrongs, it pulls your heart to love those who aren't easiest to love, to love those who do very little for you, to love those who you gain nothing from... it makes allowances for hurt & disappointments!!

That fine line is balance. Finding the balance between guarding your heart in wisdom and allowing grace to fill the gap! God sacrificed his life for us, so the least we (I) can do is continue to love on (from a distance) those that probably need it most, irrespective of whether it is earned, deserved or unappreciated. 
Easter is around the corner so I'll definitely be writing up on LOVE (my favourite subject) and the ultimate love story.

STYLE TIP- Make allowance for each other's (fashion) faults, and forgive anyone who offends you (in style). 

Jacket- Charity Shop
Top- EBay
Jeans-Newlook
Boots- Zara
Glasses- HM




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Thursday, 19 March 2020

Quarantine ???

Social Distancing?

What a time!!! Can you even believe the foolishness that is occurring right now? It's the most unsettling space to be in. 



I'm usually not one to be so affected by the news, I tend to stray away from watching it to be honest. Of course I understand the importance of knowing what is happening in our world, however it can be such a constant flow of negativity a lot of the time. But THIS, THIS!! This takes the cake ! The entire world is infested.
The fact that we're being quarantined is beyond me! I really don't like feeling limited.
I'm an ambivert so naturally I am pretty okay with being home alone and often I do tend to isolate myself, however this feels so restricting. Isn't crazy how when you're told you can't do something, you suddenly want to do it?! Or is that just the rebellion my mama tried to beat out of me haha.
Anyways, it's very important that we're responsible regardless of how uncomfortable we may feel. We must think outside of ourselves as well as protecting ourselves. This contagious virus is unfortunately a matter of life or death (in most cases) and our elderly are the most vulnerable. Continue to be careful, wash your hands thoroughly and often and keep ya distance! Stay home.
Hopefully this isn't for a long period of time, although we are being told otherwise.


Social distancing is actually quite the challenge. Not being able to meet up for coffee with ya homegirl or dress up to eat out when you want, is forcing us to do other things with our time.
What have you dived into now that you have the chance? There's plenty of books to be read, knowledge to gain, wisdom to soak in...
There's also the option to look at yourself and make things right internally... is there anyone you could make amends with? (over the phone of course lol)

Since this has all come about, I've found the time to reach out so lightly and slightly to old acquaintances. You know, to see if the spark is still fizzling towards a growing friendship and to my surprise, it's highlighted that these people are as dry as the Sahara desert. If you know me, you know that as much time as we have, I don't have time. Bye babe!

The social media energy is a little heavy too. There are mixed emotions (as there should be). Some are living life like it's golden and trying to stay positive, others are taking hold of their entrepreneurial spirit and then there's the rest of us that are really relaxing, drinking wine, binge watching on Netflix.

I've tried to do all of these things, but I'm very uncomfortable. Maybe because I'm big on physical touch and it's been taken away from me so severely lol. Ya girl needs a hug.
I visited a church last week (that I was incredibly late for *rolls eyes*) and one of the ushers shook my hand to greet me, then snatched herself away mid greeting. I was horrified lol. I knew why of course... she innocently forgot our responsibility to keep our distance, but I couldn't help but feel like an alien. This is 2020!! Good gawd!

With that being said, keep ya chin up kids! We're in this together. Get up early, pray, meditate, listen to lots of music!! It's so so good for the soul, eat well, get dressed as if you're leaving the house... when you look good, you feel goodt! Face-time your buddies often! TIMMMM I love you! Take a billion selfies if you get as bored as I did today lol And just know that nothing is permanent! This too shall pass!

Don't forget the importance of self isolating.
The Coronavirus is an illness that can affect your lungs and airways. It's easily spread through direct contact with a person who is infected. It's as simple as touching surfaces that have been contaminated from a cough or
sneeze. The initial symptoms are a high temperature, fatigue and continuous cough.
Remember to wash your hands often, and just be right on top of your hygiene!

Style Tip- You can look cute at home! Dress up, but stay in doors!









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