The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Hi my loves, I hope you're all well? How are we feeling, how are we coping?  

Glasses- H&M

Top- H&M

Trousers- H&M

I look back at how 2019 ended with so much hope, determination, readiness for 2020, KNOWING this would be a year of adventure, change and welcomed challenges... yea *side eye*

Chile, I've really been hanging in there. This is definitely NOT how I envisioned 2020 to be!
We're past the half way point nearing the end of this year and I really don't know if I'm coming or going lol. I've felt incredibly heavy by what has overwhelmed us globally and it has taken me a while to process figuring out how it's all affected me. I've tried to break coping mechanisms that shut me down by replacing them with methods that build me up mentally and emotionally and then just when I feel recharged enough to face the severity of one matter, we're hit with even more global trauma. 

Black people have endured way too much cultural devastation over such a short amount of time,  having to revisit oppression.
Covid-19 is the plague we didn't see coming. The amount of lives lost is WILD, truly heartbreaking. We've been banished to our rooms and told social distancing is our new normal. I don't ever want socialising to be distant, I don't think that is normal. With the economy opening up to the public, those safety measures are still very much in place, but it seems as though we might be back in detention. I'm awaiting the day things do feel normal (as if they ever will) but hey...

  'When life gives ya lemons, ya make lemonade' 

Glasses- H&M

Tracksuit- Fiorucci

Trainers- Vans

Without having a delusional outlook by over doing the optimism, I wanted to ensure there was going to be a great deal of good still to come from this year. I had things on my personal development list, to be ticked off and I'm pleased to say I've gained growth spiritually, physically, emotionally and financially.

Spiritually

Part of my peace has been cradled in my moms scriptural quotes and prayers, but I quickly learnt that I shouldn't be dependent on her to centre myself. It's important to have community and accountability, but it's just as important to be your own life coach.  I had to actively begin to do the work within myself. 

I've always maintained a relationship with God, but when tested I tend to reach out to the nearest form of comfort and stillness, which is my mom. Instead I made a conscious effort to go to God first and not last. I decided to instantly pray and talk to God whenever I was feeling anxious, frustrated, worried. I needed something more powerful than I could fathom, to put my constant trust in, especially knowing that people will unfortunately always fail me. Not because they want to, but because they are incapable of being what you need when you need it EVERY time. However, God is perfect! Going to Him has most definitely strengthened my inner man. 

Jeremiah 17: 5-8

5 This is what the Lord says: ''Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. 6 They are like shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future... 7 Blessed are those that trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.''

Making it a consistent habit to thank God the moment my eyes awake, handing over my day into His care so that I can be used to love whoever I come into contact with and not give into my petty ways. I also developed the habit to sit with myself and take care of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Physically

Taking care of my body has always been a no-brainer due to the fact that I love being active and feeling strong. I made a very dominant choice in ensuring that I would not gain weight over the last 6 months unhealthily, by divulging in comfort foods. I signed up and subscribed to an incredible online trainer who has whipped me into shape 6 days a week for 6 months. And I can proudly say I've been 100% consistent. It has released so many endorphins within each hourly session per day, and completely affects my head-space positively on the days I felt mentally clogged up. Any form of exercise or physical activity can have a profound positive impact on ones mental health. It is quite the stress reliever.

Emotionally I've given into all of my feels. I've allowed myself to connect with whatever feeling I'm connected to at whatever time, to ensure I've released it. Holding it all in does nothing positive, in fact it does more damage than good. I never knew until given this down time, how much I talk myself into 'keeping it together'. It's been such a beautiful thing to completely let go. 

Proactively making time to still enjoy myself has also been more a priority, especially given the current circumstance. I celebrated my best friends birthday in Kent. It was a surprise getaway to the sunny seaside of Margate lol. We had THE best time. I guess because we're such simple beings and love an adventure, it wouldn't have mattered where we were, we were going to have a blast. Amidst the trauma of 2020 the little things make all the difference in continuing to push through in feeling on top.

Headscarf- Zara

Brown Bodysuit- Zara

Trousers- Zara

Swimsuit- Zara

Glasses- Loewe

Sometimes it takes for things to be shaken up in our bubble, in order for us to be still. Having this time to deliberately work on myself has been very challenging but so satisfying. It still is a challenge and I'm fighting to be become the best version of myself. I'd hate to miss out on purposeful events that are ordained specifically for me, just because I failed to do the ground work, so I'm taking this all on the chin! The good, the bad and the ugly!

STYLE TIP- Embrace each season with a timeless piece (faith). 

The Ultimate Love Story

I'm Such A Romantic, I Love LOVE!!

I really wanted to write up something on this subject over Easter weekend, because whether you want to believe or not, Jesus dying on the cross for YOU, for ME, for HIM (that dusty ex) and HER, IS the ultimate love story!

I'm not sure I've ever been in-love, but I know what love looks and feels like. The love I have for my mom, niece and nephew (in particular) is beyond me! It's selfless, it's consistent, it's caring, it's unconditional... it's that willingness to do whatever it takes to ensure the purest of heart is truly felt and received always in all ways.  It's honest, raw, sincere...

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine, and he said (in these exact words)

  ''people will never love you, as much as they love themselves'' 

I sat with his statement and then argued my disagreement because I don't believe that's true love, I think that's selfish. I believe to TRULY love, a major element of self-sacrificing is heavily involved...your pride, ego has to go out the window! You should compromise and these things can't be done selfishly! 

I watched a series on YouTube  called - Relationship Goals  and part 2 of the series explained that you must 

1. Love God
2. Love yourself 
3. Love Others equally (to self)

GOD
Okay, so... To love God, is to know God.
In the same way we are attracted to things and become attached to how these 'things' makes us feel, enough to want to spend time with these things, is the same way you should connect and develop a relationship with God.
I've spent time getting to know God throughout the course of my life and it's the most inexplicable experience. I've never felt so at peace, so unusually happy (even when nothing in my life is going right), humbled, secure, hopeful...I could go on. But most importantly, LOVED! And in all honesty I'm still yet to grasp the magnitude of his love due to lack of time I've spent speaking to God. 

God's love factors in how selfish, irresponsible, hurtful, ugly, spiteful, inconsiderate, greedy we are and loves us anyway. Isn't that INSANE?! I'm sorry but I'm so quick to cut someone off when they don't save me any food, that kind of behaviour I find unacceptable, but God makes allowances for the murderers, the thieves... like he really has an overflowing amount of love. It's INCREDIBLE!

His love is 

  ''...patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.''

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

SELF

Surely you've seen the movie The Bodyguard. 
If you haven't, you must live under a rock. It's such a iconic film. 
As most of you know, in the film,  Frank (Kevin Costner) has this undying love for Rachel
(Whitney Houston), to the point his job to protect her becomes his life! How beautiful!! I mean it's nothing in comparison to someone actually choosing to die for you. 
Wow, how embarrassing, I actually tried to reference Gods love to The Bodyguard lol.  
The point I'm trying to make is, God is our bodyguard (smooth transition right). He wants to protect us, provide for us, give us a whole life, a fulfilling, fearless, abundant life. Do you even know what that looks like?! Neither me! But that's what he wants. For us to be in a place where we lack nothing!!! A love that wants you to be whole, not needing someone to complete you.

Can you imagine someone offering themselves as a sacrifice to show HOW much they love you?! Being spat on several times by masses of people, punched, kicked, beaten, whipped and then nails hammered into your hands and feet, so that your body could be HUNG up on a cross?! That amount of pain is unfathomable. To think a love beyond our knowledge, endured such hell for us?!
So yeah, once you know THAT kind of love in it's entirety, you are able to see yourself from Gods perspective and act accordingly. 
Knowing you are made perfectly, you are deserving, you are valuable, precious in his sight. No matter how unseen you feel by people, the one who CREATED YOU... knows exactly how many follicles of hair are on YOUR head, sees you and thinks you're awesome. That is a beautiful assurance. It's a confidence that is next level and truly embeds real self love. You are only then capable of loving others the way you love yourself.

OTHERS 

The importance of loving others should be equal to the love you give yourself. 

I've experienced first hand, that if you do not work on your deficiencies, you subconsciously project them onto other people, which is why it is so important to know WHO you are. The last thing you want, is to burden people with your voids and jeopardize loving relationships out of lack of self-love.

If you know your value and understand what loving yourself should look like, for example:
-taking the time to reflect each day on what you've experienced,
-unpacking your thoughts/feelings, 
-ensuring you've freed yourself of any negativity
-releasing all tension from your mind/body and then recharging with positive affirmations,
you'll then have the same kind of time and patience towards others. If you can give yourself this time, you can be in a better position to give this time to others.
In order to give others the best of us, in a way that doesn't require us to be dependent on what they have to offer, we must do the self-love work. I think the strength in loving others is when you can freely do so, without needing a return.

On this Easter Sunday, I want to acknowledge the selfless love Jesus gave. It is a love I believe is worth seeking after. It may not make sense to many, it may not be of interest to your lifestyle, it may not be part of your brand lol however IT IS the GREATEST LOVE OF ALL.
God loves all of us, but it's important for you to know that he loves YOU, personally. He cares about YOU and took one hell of a beating specifically for YOU! God thinks you are worth every bit of pain he endured. I pray you never forget the true meaning of Easter!

That Fine Line

Hey y'all! How's (quaran) things?! I hope y'all are keeping sane!

I've been using part of my time to continuously better who I am and also who I can become to others. Looking at why and how I react to certain things and what is at the core of my behaviour patterns. A self-love discovery I guess you can call it!

I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

The other night my homegirl and I were chatting away about how we've both recognised that it's within both of our natures to 'do good'. We constantly extend ourselves to people who have proven nonchalant of our time and energy. 

The chunk of the convo was us going back and forth about whether or not it is redundant to show kindness, thoughtfulness and politeness, when it can sometimes appear the recipient is unbothered.

I then received a text from someone I've not gotten along with for some time, and the 'do good' in me was going to respond to the text out of politeness (you know, as acknowledgement) EVEN THOUGH, every fiber in my body did not want to respond. 

I decided not to. I thought, nope! Why should I?! I don't want to. But then I was struggling with why it felt like SUCH a big (minor) decision.

It begs the question, are you a fool to continuously show love to those who aren't the easiest to love?!  I mean the good book does say 

''Don't throw your pearls before swines...'' -Matthew 7:6

I've always been torn between cutting people off and being patient with them. It's that fine line between protecting yourself and doing what you believe is right regardless. But I had to sit with God and ask whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy? Why do I have to be nice lol why can't I be like those 'chest-high' people that rdgaf?!
The answer is, because God is love and I know his love, I'm convicted to do what I believe is right! And if I want to be a reflection of his love, I have to constantly give! Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.

''If at the end of the love you give, is to get it back in return, you ain't loving, you're looking out for yourself.' - Miss Viv King

Sylvia and I also briefly spoke on forgiveness. We as humans sometimes harbor things in our hearts thinking we've forgiven and moved on, but the true test is your attitude to towards the person later on down the line. Are you cutting your eyes at them in your heart? lol
It's easy (for some) to be fake enough to say 'Hi' but that rooted wound of hurt will always show face in tension. You can't disguise tension, it's the most bold faced energy of them all. Forgiveness sets you free and eventually the other person, that's if they've internally done the work too.

Last night I was scrolling through instagram and my insta bud Vivian coincidentally explained my findings so perfectly! If you're on insta her name is @missvivkingx.

This is some of what she shared:

A real self-love journey teaches you to love others as yourself. It teaches you to see yourself in other peoples weakness, to identify in what makes us all human! You learn not to put yourself above anything because you too are capable of the absolute worse.
A true self-love journey teaches empathy, understanding, grace, how to make room for the human dysfunction and errors.

Outside of the love of God, you find a type of love that keeps records of how much they've done for you, how you didn't show up for their sake, it's transactional, if you aren't loving... that's not love. It's a transactional activity in disguise.
Christ teaches the sort of love that fills your heart with godliness, goodness, patience, kindness, not-self seeking, not prideful...truly living LOVE, it pushes you beyond yourself & it puts your pride on the line every time!!

It feels uncomfortable to you, its self-sacrificing, but it reaches out for others & build bridges!!
It makes things right, where there are wrongs, it pulls your heart to love those who aren't easiest to love, to love those who do very little for you, to love those who you gain nothing from... it makes allowances for hurt & disappointments!!

That fine line is balance. Finding the balance between guarding your heart in wisdom and allowing grace to fill the gap! God sacrificed his life for us, so the least we (I) can do is continue to love on (from a distance) those that probably need it most, irrespective of whether it is earned, deserved or unappreciated. 
Easter is around the corner so I'll definitely be writing up on LOVE (my favourite subject) and the ultimate love story.

STYLE TIP- Make allowance for each other's (fashion) faults, and forgive anyone who offends you (in style). 

Jacket- Charity Shop
Top- EBay
Jeans-Newlook
Boots- Zara
Glasses- HM

Quarantine ???

Social Distancing?

What a time!!! Can you even believe the foolishness that is occurring right now? It's the most unsettling space to be in. 

I'm usually not one to be so affected by the news, I tend to stray away from watching it to be honest. Of course I understand the importance of knowing what is happening in our world, however it can be such a constant flow of negativity a lot of the time. But THIS, THIS!! This takes the cake ! The entire world is infested.
The fact that we're being quarantined is beyond me! I really don't like feeling limited.
I'm an ambivert so naturally I am pretty okay with being home alone and often I do tend to isolate myself, however this feels so restricting. Isn't crazy how when you're told you can't do something, you suddenly want to do it?! Or is that just the rebellion my mama tried to beat out of me haha.
Anyways, it's very important that we're responsible regardless of how uncomfortable we may feel. We must think outside of ourselves as well as protecting ourselves. This contagious virus is unfortunately a matter of life or death (in most cases) and our elderly are the most vulnerable. Continue to be careful, wash your hands thoroughly and often and keep ya distance! Stay home.
Hopefully this isn't for a long period of time, although we are being told otherwise.


Social distancing is actually quite the challenge. Not being able to meet up for coffee with ya homegirl or dress up to eat out when you want, is forcing us to do other things with our time.
What have you dived into now that you have the chance? There's plenty of books to be read, knowledge to gain, wisdom to soak in...
There's also the option to look at yourself and make things right internally... is there anyone you could make amends with? (over the phone of course lol)

Since this has all come about, I've found the time to reach out so lightly and slightly to old acquaintances. You know, to see if the spark is still fizzling towards a growing friendship and to my surprise, it's highlighted that these people are as dry as the Sahara desert. If you know me, you know that as much time as we have, I don't have time. Bye babe!

The social media energy is a little heavy too. There are mixed emotions (as there should be). Some are living life like it's golden and trying to stay positive, others are taking hold of their entrepreneurial spirit and then there's the rest of us that are really relaxing, drinking wine, binge watching on Netflix.

I've tried to do all of these things, but I'm very uncomfortable. Maybe because I'm big on physical touch and it's been taken away from me so severely lol. Ya girl needs a hug.
I visited a church last week (that I was incredibly late for *rolls eyes*) and one of the ushers shook my hand to greet me, then snatched herself away mid greeting. I was horrified lol. I knew why of course... she innocently forgot our responsibility to keep our distance, but I couldn't help but feel like an alien. This is 2020!! Good gawd!

With that being said, keep ya chin up kids! We're in this together. Get up early, pray, meditate, listen to lots of music!! It's so so good for the soul, eat well, get dressed as if you're leaving the house... when you look good, you feel goodt! Face-time your buddies often! TIMMMM I love you! Take a billion selfies if you get as bored as I did today lol And just know that nothing is permanent! This too shall pass!

Don't forget the importance of self isolating.
The Coronavirus is an illness that can affect your lungs and airways. It's easily spread through direct contact with a person who is infected. It's as simple as touching surfaces that have been contaminated from a cough or
sneeze. The initial symptoms are a high temperature, fatigue and continuous cough.
Remember to wash your hands often, and just be right on top of your hygiene!

Style Tip- You can look cute at home! Dress up, but stay in doors!

HEART CHECK

HOO MY GARSH

So I don't Know If Some Of You Know, But I'm A Woman Of Faith And I Try To Live By The Good Book (The Bible) But YO I'm Tirrrred! 

Earring- Zara
Top- Zara
Jacket- Charity Shop

Having Jesus as your role model is no joke. To be gracious and kind and patient PATIENT, peaceful, giving, ... its a lot!
I've been working in fields of work where serving has been my main responsibility and since moving to London I've become a Personal Assistant, Stylist Assistant, Carer, the works and all these roles have required me to serve! I believe it's VERY important that we give our time, our warmth, our knowledge... how else would we develop and learn and grow? Our character is truly stretched.

Honey I'm tired! It's very exhausting having be kind to people we deem to be undeserving, it's very taxing having to 'turn the other cheek' when really you want to fly kick someone in their neck! How on earth did Jesus do it???
I must admit, working in these particular fields 100% has forced me to be a better person. I've suffered quite a bit lol but I've been fortunate enough to have friends to talk me round. I will give you an example..
There was a very established stylist I interned for and I'll never forget this particular situation because I felt so disrespected!
FYI, I'm BIG on respect. As soon as I feel disrespected by you, you are erased from my memory.

So I had been assisting this young man for a while and enjoyed working along side him and his first assistant as they were easy going, down to earth and hardworking.

I had noticed that I'd become the only assistant preferred, when he was in prep for a shoot. His PA would regularly reach out to find out if I was available. I was never given specific details, just asked if I could keep certain days/dates free. I made myself available every time with no hesitation because I believed I was gaining the experience and knowledge I needed by serving him.

There were a few times I was told the day of a shoot, that I was no longer needed. I of course found this highly annoying, so going forward I didn't make myself as available.


I had been booked for personal shoot (one particular week) around the time this Stylist wanted my assistance and I had communicated that I would only be available 2 out of the 3 days he needed me.

Homeboy through a hissy fit, probably due to his own stresses in preparing for this project, but he had the nerve to question my commitment and work ethic. I was so ticked off! I had never let him down, and this was actually the only time I was unavailable. Bearing in mind I would at times do 12+ hour days for nothing, nada, zinch! No bueno! Not only was I offended that he had questioned my work ethic, the way in which he had communicated his frustration was very condescending. I let it slide...

The night before the shoot, he reached out to see if I could arrive to his place early rather than meeting at the shoot location. Now instead of just letting me know the call time had changed and he would need my assistance a lot earlier, he asked me if I could be at his for 8am. I responded by answering his question with 'I can arrive at 9.30am'. He again gave a condescending response that made me feel so small, so I decided to bow out! I thought nope, don't need this, not doing it, peace tf out!

I called my mom to vent because I was fuming!!!! I thought, after all I've done for him.. I worked well, I never complained, I did thee most, I showed up early, I left late, I did more than what my job required, for NOTHING!!! Yea, I understand that's partially what I signed up for, but I thought the least I could get in return, is some appreciation! Some respect!
My mom being the wise woman she is, asked me 'why are you putting terms on your service?' She convinced me that regardless of how I've been treated, my service shouldn't change, my attitude shouldn't change and my heart shouldn't change! I thought 'for goodness sake!!' But she was right.
My friend Yaz told me the exact same thing! She said 'you're showing a sense of entitlement'. I was like WHAAAAT?! ME? ENTITLED? NEVER!
Because I kept reiterating the point that 'I never ask for anything but respect' it was pointed out that, that was pride, THAT was the entitlement.
I was told that all that I am to do, should be done WELL regardless. I shouldn't feel like my service deserves recognition. My level of service should remain the same at all costs. THIS was harrrd for me to learn and still is.


Long story short, I checked my heart at the door and decided regardless of how crap he had made me feel, I was going to honor my word and assist him WELL.  I arrived at his place 8am to load all the clothes into the Addison Lee. I unloaded the van once I reached the shoot location, proceeded to un-bag garments, shoes, accessories etc and laid them out ready for him to select and style. There was an overwhelming amount of pieces!
I made notes of everything the models wore, so that his credits only needed to be typed up once the final images were selected. I organised the clothes in order of PR so that returning the garments would be seamless. After a long day of shooting, I stayed to load the clothes back in the van and then traveled to his place, to unload everything in his home. I got back to mine at 2am. This was an unpaid job. I was interning with the agreement that my travel would be reimbursed and my dietry requirements would be seen to.
The stylist was so so appreciative of my service this day, he paid me a silly amount of money. I was shocked!

Trousers- Pull & Bear
Boots- Zara

Acts of service should always be done from the heart. We should want to provide the very best regardless of what we get in return but we naturally and subconsciously are focused on what we will gain. We definitely should be in tune with how we benefit from a situation, however I believe it's important to serve from a place of true generosity.  How??????
I personally have to continuously ask God to give me the tools to give my time, my love, my abilities in the purest way, cause I don't believe I'm capable without him. I've made a conscious decision to do so numerous times, but I  only succeed consistently, WITH God. He is the definition of all things good!
You can see from the experience I've shared, how a change of heart allowed me to gain financially. My focus was no longer on being seen and acknowledged for my abilities. God saw my heart and ensured I benefited from such a long ass day lol.
It's all a choice at the end of the day! Choose to put your heart and soul into people! You're sowing a beautiful seed whether you realise it or not.

This post literally was a rant, however I do hope this challenges you to regularly check your heart. Like the good book says 'Out of the heart flows living water' - John 7.38



Style Tip- Check your heart at the door the same way you check to look presentable!